Lost?

I feel like I only ever write when I'm frustrated with my life. Maybe that's the norm. I've spent most of the day alone, which is refreshing every once in awhile. I'm an introvert, so "being still" with myself/God/a book/seasons of LOST on DVD is my time to recharge. But it also gives me a lot of time to think.

Over this last month in Anderson, I've been doing a lot of thinking. I think a lot anyway, so that's not unusual. And I've met a lot of people here who try to help me think more clearly. And that really is a blessing. But I still feel as directionless/tired/ineffective as I have for the last year, and that's really frustrating. More than one person has told me that God has me in this (metaphorical) place for a reason. I'm a planner, so the only way for me to start to living by faith is to have my plan slowly and painfully pried from my aching fingers. And gosh darnit (I try to say cuss words only in my head), it is painful.

I've started attending Celebrate Recovery at The Bridge Community Church here in Anderson. It's a group of people who gather together for worship and a time of personal sharing. It's pretty neat to see people gather together and be real about who they are and what they're going through. As I have begun to share what's going on in my life, I have found that I live in a lot of fear and need to control. (This is as recurring theme in my posts, I've noticed.) And it's not like I'm afraid of dying. I'm afraid of the unknown. I'm afraid of failing. I'm afraid of walking into a situation without knowing the sequence of events and the outcome that will ensue. I'm afraid of starting something I shouldn't, or being unable to finish. I'm afraid of being passionate about something I'm no good at, or being good at something I'm not passionate about. I'm afraid of doing something, but I'm afraid of doing nothing. I live in the limbo of mediocrity because I refuse to do anything at all.

I don't want to live like that. And I haven't given up hope. I feel like God has placed certain passions on my heart, but I'm still discovering what those are. I haven't lost my drive to go out and "do stuff." I still want to serve God. I still want to impact lives. I still want to live outside of my own "self." But I am feeling overwhelmed with all that I desire to conquer and even discerning what the first step is.

Honestly, though, today was a good day. I witnessed other people serve and love just because. I sat on a swing in the rain, admiring a beautiful scene of fireflies and the twilight fading into darkness. I was real with God. And I ate cookie dough.

Maybe tomorrow all my deliberation will stop oil spills and save earthquake victims, but not today. And that's okay for now.

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Dreams Be Dreams

Sometimes, I realize that I have weird expectations. For example, whenever I come home after being gone for a long time, and I walk into my room, I either expect or sincerely hope there will be some sort of surprise for me on my bed. I can't explain it. But I know my sister does the same thing. I think I'm usually looking for a letter or package. Or something my mom got for me at the store. Regardless of what I think it will be, I always get a little excited to walk in and turn on the light. Obviously, I'm almost always disappointed.

Another expectation of which I've recently become aware is that I will receive some new and previously hidden revelation from God, one that has never before been revealed to mankind in this present age. Not that I want to go start a new denomination or religion or anything, but I do find myself thinking that one day I will have a special epiphany. And I will feel closer to God than ever before. And I will be wise and legitimately able to impart my insight to others. And life will suddenly make sense.

I've "lived in the future" since I was a little kid. I particularly remember reflecting on the significance of important holidays or events, such as Christmas and the Olympics. I always thought, "By this time next [year/Christmas/winter Olympics], I will have [this] and will have done [this]. I will have [this] all figured out, and I won't have to worry about [this] anymore." Or I'll do the same thing with a certain future age. "By the time I'm [this] old, I will be awesome and have it all figured out. I will have arrived." It really isn't healthy. But I think I'm becoming better as I age (now that I have everything figured out, obviously). I was a senior in high school last winter Olympics. Now I'm a "senior" in college. It's crazy to ponder how much has changed since then and how much will change by the time I'm... wow, almost 26. Will I be married? Will I have 2.5 kids? Will I have a dog? Will I still be living at home? Ha. No, but seriously.

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I Don't Want to Miss a Thing

Well, here we are: another year down, and another year to make resolutions, fail at keeping them, and pick up the broken pieces to create new goals and ambitions we will try all the harder to maintain. This year, I have "resolved" to write. Maybe it's for my own good, or maybe it's for the inevitable enlightenment of others. We'll see.

I'm feeling excited about the future. Excited and apprehensive. And scared. But eager to see what's out there. I want to do big, crazy things for God. I want to see the world change. And I don't want to be on the sidelines when it happens. In the words of Don Miller, "No one gets to watch the parade."

I learned about the idea of 'story' from his book A Million Miles in a Thousand Years. Each of us has our own story, but many of us choose to be spectators to the plot rather than participants. I've been a spectator for awhile, now. Sometimes I think about the end of my life, when I have passed to the other side. Do I want to stand before God to hear, "Well, good job. You played it as safe as possible. You never got into trouble, but you never accomplished anything either"?

I want to do something. I want to sow the seed of the Gospel among those who have never heard it. I want to make lives better because I lived. I want to be faithful with what I have been given.

I few days ago, I submitted an application through GoCorps to serve for two years in overseas missions. Today, I heard back from the director of Adventures in Missions (AIM). If I'm accepted, I'll be doing a compassion/justice mission to fight human trafficking in Thailand. The guy sent me his blog so I could get a feel for the kind of work they do. It's intense. It would be incredible to serve in such an exciting, scary, heartbreaking, hands-on way--to break out of my middle-class American bubble and actually get a taste of the pain of the world.

But what about when I come back? How will I have changed? How will everyone else have changed? What would it feel like to put my "normal" life on hold for two years? What would it feel like to truly understand how spoiled and selfish the existence to which I've become so accustomed?

But what if I don't go?

When it comes right down to it, I'm just praying that God opens and closes the right doors. I'll keep "just doing stuff" in the meantime. "Dream big, and watch God blow 'em up." (Mark Holcomb)

No matter what happens, it's going to be a good year.

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