I Shall Be Released

I'm trying to develop a more "it's whatever" attitude toward life. Not that I want to be apathetic and aloof, I just want to stop freaking out about everything. A coworker said it best when she observed how much of her time she spends being crazy. It's my J(udging) on steroids.

On the other hand, another coworker wondered aloud today what it would be like to see me get excited about something.

I wasn't excited about coming back to Anderson after being in Oklahoma for a week. I loved being in a place that was familiar--safe--where I didn't need to be in charge of anything or accountable to anyone. Where I could just breathe. And be. Where I really could be "it's whatever." I came back feeling really detached and... alien. Frustrated. But the week has gotten better and easier each day, and once again I am adapting and becoming content with someplace "new."

Today I realized that, in the last 13 months, I have "lived" in 4 different states: Alaska, Oklahoma, Illinois, and Indiana. That's sort of a big deal, right?

We had our Bridge staff retreat Wednesday and Thursday this week. We went to a lake house that had 3 balconies and a pontoon boat. I learned how to knee board. I talked about how I hated looking ridiculous. I decided that I wanted to make my job more meaningful than taking messages and writing reports. I don't really know what that looks like right now, but I do know that acknowledging the problem is the first step.

I don't have much to say for this week. Maybe next week will bring profound new revelations.

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Home

Well, it's Wednesday again. I'm currently (1) in Oklahoma (2) missing my Snuggie. It's always so cold in my house.

And, just in case anyone was curious, I DID put a hurt on a few Johnnie's onion rings... and a lot of other food. To make this post a little more interesting/colorful, I have decided to include pictures that I didn't take.

I also didn't order that entree, but it looks pretty good, doesn't it? They have the best cheese...

Anyway, I have also done a lot of sleeping.

I sleep in a bed--I just really liked this picture. And it really resonated with my faux-Asian heritage.

My mom and I have been watching a lot of this show.

We got each other all 10 seasons for Christmas! We were very surprised.

I have also been visiting little babies: my cousin Griffin (3 months) and best friend's son Joel (4 weeks). These are not them:

This evening, I caught a glimpse through the window of the most spectacular sunset I had ever witnessed. I quickly jumped in my car and drove the mile or so to the lake by our house. It had the most incredible pinks, oranges, and golden yellows... breathtaking. I couldn't get any good pictures in time, but it may have looked a little like this:

This Saturday night is the Taylor Family Shindig, in honor of my homecoming and the first-of-the-season game of our favorite team:

On Monday, I return to the world of 30 mph roads and being the church office mom... But things will be good there, too. Any maybe I'll even be ready for it. But, for now, I'm content to soak up as much time as I can with the fam and continue eating more than my poor tummy can handle. I'll regress to and turkey sandwiches and Ramen Noodles when the time comes.

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Grace's Amazing Hands

Today isn't too unusual, as far as Wednesdays go. Except for the fact that I drank coffee in the morning. I usually don't drink coffee in the morning. I would rather be moved gently and soothingly into a state of wakefulness by a cup of hot tea, not punched in the face by a cup of coffee. But today I opted to be punched in the face, and I never looked back.

Photo found here.

This week has been marked by a beautiful state of acceptance. Acceptance of what was, is, and is to come. An acceptance that drives me to move forward and to do so with grace. It's nice to be friends with reality, for once.

I read a devotional yesterday that talked about seeing the big picture as a mountain. If we get too focused or discouraged by each individual cleft or foothold--however insurmountable they may seem--we forget the glory of the summit we are to overcome. Each hurt, habit, and hangup is only a stepping stone to the blessing to come; the fulfillment of the promise that "He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus" (Phil 1:6).

Photo found here.

I can honestly say that I'm really excited to see what God is going to do--for the glorious redemption of the ridiculousness of the present. I can feel something brewing. Maybe it was that coffee this morning (HA). Maybe it's a stirring in the innards of my soul. I don't know. I can see His fingerprints in so many different areas right now, and I know they will only become more apparent the more I keep my eyes open. I think the key is to always be looking.

In other news, and on a much less spiritual note, I will be making the long trek down to Oklahoma on Saturday. I'm starting to freak out a little bit, as I've never driven by myself for more than 5 hours. And this trip will be at least 12. So say a little prayer for me, if you remember. But I am really excited to be home for a week, despite the drive. It will be great to see everyone again. So, next time I update this, I'll probably be drinking a Sonic cream slush and putting a hurt on some Johnny's onion rings. Mmm.

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To Say Thanks

I'm going to try to start blogging more often. The more I write (and the more people tell me how awesome I am at it), the more I enjoy it. And the less I have to verbally update everyone on how things are going. The less small talk, the better.

Today I am going to write "thank you" notes for my graduation cards/gifts/money. Those kinds of things always feel like a chore, and I often wonder how much they actually mean to the people who receive them. But I'm also reminded of how ungrateful I usually am. About everything. So quick to chastise God about not turning all the stoplights green; so slow to even acknowledge that He gave me the ability to wake up this morning. This is a pretty cliche epiphany about which to write, but it's important nonetheless.

I have a friend who writes "thank you" notes all the time. She thanks God for beautiful days, her sunglasses for their reprieve from the sun, and her grandpa for reminding her that she is able to bear children. I feel like I would never have the time or energy (or desire) to go that far, but it's an attitude I'd like to adopt. Who knows, though. Maybe one of these days I'll decide to do that too. Baby steps.

Thank you, Starbucks barista, for making my drink (almost) just right.

Thank you, sun, for giving us a break today.

Thank you, "thank you" notes, for challenging me to do more of being grateful and less of not being grateful.

Also, here are the cards I almost picked...

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Keep Breathing

Sometimes life is dumb. But God always stays with you in His dealings. Stay in it. Fight the good fight. Finish the race. Even when you can’t see the finish line.

“Your path led through the sea, your way through the mighty waters, though your footprints were not seen.”

Psalm 77:19

God has a purpose for each and every seemingly hopeless experience. Sometimes His way takes us through the valley of the shadow of death; sometimes He simply allows us to lead ourselves there. But He works it all together. All of it. Redeeming each and every broken and limping step it takes to make it to the end. For His glory; for our good. The struggle isn’t pretty. The fruit of it is beautiful beyond measure.

Keep breathing. Hang tight; live with open hands. The battle is the Lord’s.

Photo found here.

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(Not) Swallowed in the Sea

That's the song I was humming as I clicked "New Post." Not much to tell about it yet, but maybe it will tie in once I wrap this up.

I'm currently sitting outside Starbucks, sipping an iced soy toffee nut latte, and skimming over my Xanga entries from 2004. It's been a good and crazy ride over the past six years. Thankfully, I don't wear my heart on my WorldWideWebbed sleeve as much as I used to. Unthankfully, I don't record the details of my life as often as I once did, so I have to rely on longterm memory (which is always an unreliable reconstruction, as cognitive psych will tell you) in order to let everyone know what I've been up to.

So, a lot has changed in the last month. I decided to stay in Anderson until at least December and be the receptionist at The Bridge Community Church. I quit working at the daycare. I'm single. I have the opportunity to head up the coffee shop "planting" in our church's new building. My best friend had a baby. I finally tried a Ricker pop.

I feel like I should explain, so the story is this. The Bridge staff offered me a job, and I saw an opportunity to do things I was passionate about. Not things for which I needed a college degree, but things I know I enjoy and can do well. It's funny, because I remember talking to a few of them at the beginning of the summer... They asked me questions like "What do you want to do with your life?" and "What are you passionate about?" I remember explaining that I wanted to get paid to do all the random things in ministry that have no job title: help behind the scenes, lead small groups for youth girls, etc. And now I'm getting paid to do those things. I saw this opportunity as an open door to help out with things the church needs - things no one else has time to take care of: organization around the office (something that's been lacking for the past few years) and connection within the youth groups (small group ministry). A lot of the things I do right now seem miniscule and tedious, but I think things are improving in the big picture. And it's great to be a part of it. The people at this church ARE the true Church. They live out love. They take interest. They say words, and they mean them. I'm learning how much I don't really love people... and they're showing me how to love them. It's humbling and life-changing, and I wouldn't trade the experience for anything. AND I get to help run a coffee shop in a church, which is a whole other dream and blessing in itself.

It's all a little overwhelming, but it's all awesome. And God is redeeming all the changes, transitions, accomplishments, failures, and things in between. And it's beautiful, and infuriating, and glorious to be proven wrong once again. More than anything, it's a blessing to be able to talk to other people about it. For them to look at me with admiration/wonder/skepticism ("you're not dating Joel, but you're staying anyway?"), and for me to be able to tell them how incredible God has been through it all. How, as Lisa Pay puts it, "He graciously orchestrates train wrecks" in order to bring us to our knees. How I'm learning what faith looks like. How I really believe that this is where I'm supposed to be. How, at least for today, I've "arrived." And it's really cool.

And I'll definitely be ready for tomorrow's changes when tomorrow comes. No, I never aspired to be a church secretary. And no, I don't believe this is my life's ultimate calling. But today, this is where I am. And for today, that is all I need to know.

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Lost?

I feel like I only ever write when I'm frustrated with my life. Maybe that's the norm. I've spent most of the day alone, which is refreshing every once in awhile. I'm an introvert, so "being still" with myself/God/a book/seasons of LOST on DVD is my time to recharge. But it also gives me a lot of time to think.

Over this last month in Anderson, I've been doing a lot of thinking. I think a lot anyway, so that's not unusual. And I've met a lot of people here who try to help me think more clearly. And that really is a blessing. But I still feel as directionless/tired/ineffective as I have for the last year, and that's really frustrating. More than one person has told me that God has me in this (metaphorical) place for a reason. I'm a planner, so the only way for me to start to living by faith is to have my plan slowly and painfully pried from my aching fingers. And gosh darnit (I try to say cuss words only in my head), it is painful.

I've started attending Celebrate Recovery at The Bridge Community Church here in Anderson. It's a group of people who gather together for worship and a time of personal sharing. It's pretty neat to see people gather together and be real about who they are and what they're going through. As I have begun to share what's going on in my life, I have found that I live in a lot of fear and need to control. (This is as recurring theme in my posts, I've noticed.) And it's not like I'm afraid of dying. I'm afraid of the unknown. I'm afraid of failing. I'm afraid of walking into a situation without knowing the sequence of events and the outcome that will ensue. I'm afraid of starting something I shouldn't, or being unable to finish. I'm afraid of being passionate about something I'm no good at, or being good at something I'm not passionate about. I'm afraid of doing something, but I'm afraid of doing nothing. I live in the limbo of mediocrity because I refuse to do anything at all.

I don't want to live like that. And I haven't given up hope. I feel like God has placed certain passions on my heart, but I'm still discovering what those are. I haven't lost my drive to go out and "do stuff." I still want to serve God. I still want to impact lives. I still want to live outside of my own "self." But I am feeling overwhelmed with all that I desire to conquer and even discerning what the first step is.

Honestly, though, today was a good day. I witnessed other people serve and love just because. I sat on a swing in the rain, admiring a beautiful scene of fireflies and the twilight fading into darkness. I was real with God. And I ate cookie dough.

Maybe tomorrow all my deliberation will stop oil spills and save earthquake victims, but not today. And that's okay for now.

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